Ever fancied appearing in your very own episode of Footballer’s Wives? No? Then at all costs, never allow inebriation to get the better of you and propel you through the doors of Oceana. Although you won’t get in if you’re wearing trainers.
However, if you like to show off your wares in laminated gold hotpants, twirl you hair extensions round your fake fingernails and have your lipstick tattooed on. Or you buy your smart shirts from Burtons and have your mum iron them whilst you have a pre-going out, pre-drink, drink and spray some Lynx Africa down your trousers. If you enjoy music that features the same three words repeated over and over and over, and at times resembles the monotonous buzz of an electric toothbrush. Then this place will put the schizzzle in your nizzle, and you may well meet your very own footballer, and who knows, become his wife?
Seven themed rooms – experience the world in one night! The Deep Bar is where the adventure begins, think the lost city of Atlanta with a Posh Spice makeover. Hold on to your cut-price drinks though guys, we’ve only just begun.
Villa Tahiti is the next stop. If you’ve checked your coat, you might want to borrow somebody elses. It’s surprisingly chilly in this tropical saloon. Probably because the ‘excellent smoking facilities’ are located to the rear. A penned off area on the King’s Road. The wind chill factor out there would finish off a yeti.
Then why not gather ye bunions, slip your heels back on and totter down to the New York Disco? Or lads, if you’re not quite drunk enough to start strutting your stuff, how about a beer or 16 in the Monte Carlo? Do try and take in the classic art deco, if you’re still capable of focusing.
Met somebody special? Suggest you take a seat in the Parisian Boudoir. The music is ‘french and funky’, that oughta get things going.
If you are unsuccesful in your efforts to secure some sexy time, head to the Reykjavik Icehouse and get that groin a thrustin’ to the booming R&B. Or retreat to the Aspen Ski Lodge and have a good sulk and another 16 beers on a lovely plush sofa. Be careful not to stick to it.
So there we have it. Phew, the world in one night and all for the price of a curry. Just don’t wear trainers. Or leave your drink un-attended.
Oceana, Kingswest, Brighton BN1 2RE
08452 968590
on May 5th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Couldn’t agree more!.. I’d rather eat wasps than go there again.
on May 5th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
Oceana is a proud member of our No-Go Clubs… what a dive.
on May 5th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
*Shudder* sounds exactly the same as the one in Bristol.
on May 5th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
wow… that sounds like a place to promptly send a nuke :D
xx
on May 5th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
very nice indeed but i think i’ll stick to the snug in the Rovers…ogling Liz.
on May 19th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
The one time I knew I’d be forced to go I wore my brightest trainers and then protested (for a few seconds) before going to somewhere good with the other well informed member of the group who was “too casual” to get into the club. The 8 girls dressed like hookers in day-glo were welcomed with open arms!